Sunday, 17 July 2011

Undomestic Goddess, Or, How I Lack Many of the Skills Needed to Keep Me Alive In the Event of an Apocalypse

I was recently reminded of the fact that I lack many, if not all, life skills. I am 100% serious. This is not one of those things where someone says they suck at something and then people reassure them that they aren't completely useless type of deals. This is me, admitting, that I am completely undomestic. I can do laundry, but that is simply because of my obsessive need to keep my clothing looking nice (as my family typically tends to shrink/destroy my nice things).

I was reminded of my utter uselessness at all things domestic at a friends bridal shower. We were playing (and I use this term very loosely because by playing I mean I was whining about how I didn't know any of the powders and therefore not really paying attention to the task at hand) a game in which the participants were required to identify 10 white powders in separate bags that could all be found in the kitchen and were all edible. Now the only time I really ever venture into the kitchen is to make myself a cup of tea or coffee, and maybe some toast. The only white powder that can be found in the kitchen that I know of is flour, although, I will say that I was rather creative in my answers as it's entirely possible to find anthrax, cocaine, and crystal meth in a kitchen . I turned to my friend Kait (the beautiful bride to be) and expressed my frustration. Now, Kait is much more domestic than I am, but as she is a history friend of mine, agreed with me that our particular skill sets were not useful in this type of exercise. My skills are geared towards the cerebral, mostly having to do with History. I can map out for you the order of ascension of English monarchs from Henry VII to present day, or conjugate Latin verbs and recite Latin poetry. I can transcribe 16th century court documents and tell you what the punishment for vagrancy was. You need a 16th century statute dealing with economic regulation? I'm your gal. But ask me to identify common items in a kitchen and I have no clue what I am doing.

I don't bake. I don't cook. I barely know how to operate a can opener. Making mac n' cheese is asking a lot from me. Don't even get me started on things involving my car. I only know when something needs to be done to it because it tells me, and even then I need to ask someone. I remember the little orange tool light thing (see I don't even know the name of the tool!) came on to tell me that I had 15% oil life left and I called my dad and asked him how I could make it go back to 100%, not once thinking that it needed an oil change. I am completely and utterly useless at things involving everyday life. In the event of some kind of cataclysmic event in which everyone that I rely on for survival died, I would be, in a word, screwed. Royally screwed. If the starvation didn't kill me, the inability to function in a world outside of the library/my house/books would. It would be sensory overload. I would be dead at 25 and it would be my own fault.

I suppose that all of this would be an easy fix. That really, I could learn all these so called "life skills" that would help me survive, and fight off the legion of the undead that would be a result of the aforementioned cataclysmic event in which everyone that I rely on for survival died. Yes I could learn it. But at the end of the day, I find it all so boring. Sure baking cupcakes is fun...for about 15 seconds. It's fun until you realize that you have to wait for the cupcakes to bake, and then you have to clean up, then you have to wait for them to cool down, and then you ice them, and then you clean up again, and then you are left with cupcakes that no one in you house will eat because they are too "unhealthy". If you ask me it's not worth it. I would so much rather be reading or doing something much more productive with my time. Sure I could learn how to change a tire, but at the end of the day, am I physically strong enough to do it myself? You bet your bottom dollar that I most certainly am not.

So I ask you this, would having life skills actually help me in the long run? I somehow don't think so...


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