Friday, 26 August 2011

Technology: It Gets Shit Done

I'm pretty new to this whole blogging thing. I'm like a baby blogger (I'm also a baby wino, not to be confused with a baby rhino, but that's a whole other story). Actually, I'm pretty new to technology in general. Before you go jumping to conclusions about me being Amish, or one of those people who are in denial about the increasingly technological world we live in who don't own a computer or TV, and if they do own a TV they only have basic cable and are basically living under a stupid rock, or those assholes who don't have a facebook account, I should explain. First, I do have a facebook account, even though it's like I don't exist, but I actually do (I still refuse to join twitter because a) I really don't see the point, and b) I could quite frankly care less about what any one person is doing at any given second of the day...although I might change my mind about twitter if it will help me take over the interweb/world and disseminate my wit and wisdom to humanity, or if I can be thoroughly convinced and/or bribed with shoes and other pretty things). Second, I am finally coming to embrace technology because I see resistance as an exercise in futility, plus I use a lot of technological shit, like computers, ipods, hairdryers, the microwave, etc. It has taken me quite some time, but I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I would probably die in the event that the various random pieces of technology that I use on a daily basis, stopped working. My previous relationship with technology was quite simple. I would simply pretend that it was magic. Pure, unadulterated magic. The little genie that lives in my ipod? That's who shuffles all my wonderful music for me! That little paper clip in word? While very annoying, he (or is it a she? I think it's genderless) is the wizard who helps me to type things, that I like to tell myself make sense, and are funny and witty. I have even gotten to the stage where computers and other electronics don't blow up when I look at them, although they still have the habit of not working when I touch them, like the photocopier at work. Also, I should just say that there is nothing wrong with being Amish, and I do apologize to any Amish that I may have offended with my above statement, that is, if you are reading this, which I am sure you aren't because you are Amish and eschew technology and other modern amenities, like electricity. But, I digress.

Anyway, I have finally come to terms with technology. As a student of history, I can fully appreciate what the Scientific Revolution did for humanity. But that doesn't mean that I have embraced all the technological advances humans have made in recent years. I still don't understand how to use most computer programs, and I am a firm believer that if you click something uber fast and over and over again when your computer is frozen it will magically unfreeze. I still don't know how to change the ink for my printer, and I like to lie to myself pretend that little fairies come and change it because they magically know that I have a 50 page history paper due the next day, and because I was too stupid to check the ink levels (it's also entirely probable that my dad does it without me noticing). The only reason I can do anything on a computer is because I use a Mac, and they are basically idiot proof(which translates to Leah proof) and are proven to be indestructible (God bless that aluminum unibody design). One time I tripped over my power cord and my computer fell about 4 feet off one of my dressers. It now has a giant dent in it, and I destroyed that power cord and added another bruise to my already excessively bruised body (I always sometimes look like a victim of domestic violence, when really I am just clumsy as shit, fall a lot, and run into things), but it still runs like a dream. It tells me when the updates are ready and all I have to do is punch in my password. Like I said, basically idiot proof and magic.

I would have to credit the same person who suggested that I write this blog as being the one to get me slightly more interested in what technology can do for me. He is one of the most technologically literate people I know, and is a genius with Photoshop (he one time created a picture of a friend riding a narwhal just because he could, and because he was being silly. Don't ask.), and basically anything that has to do with web design. So I started this blog and I am learning. Like I said, I am a baby blogger still. I just learned how to embed stuff, and I can link things like nobodies business. But, I am still learning. I still have no idea what a body tag is, or what code to use to put a music player in (I am still seeking that holy grail music player that will play a full playlist in a blog post along with instructions as to how to achieve such a feat...hint hint) in a blog post. You want graphics and stuff? Sorry, I'm kickin it old school. Anything you see, I created with Microsoft Office Paint, because I remember using it when I was like 11 and I don't know how to use any other programs, and also because I legitimately don't know of any other programs to use . I am really making myself out to be an idiot, and sometimes I am, although most times I have above average intelligence, but I am always an idiot when it comes to technology. But the thing is, I am so willing to learn, even though every time I sit down to do anything on a computer, it's an epic battle between good (me, obviously) and evil (something that I recognize as being way smarter than me...damn you computer brain! damn you!). Seriously, something that would take the above mentioned person about 30 seconds, takes me 3 days. Again, the only reason I know how to even blog in the first place is because Blogger, like Apple, makes it idiot proof (which might not necessarily be a good thing). Instead of knowing how to fix something if it's not working out the way I want it too, I sit, and whine, and often swear (a lot) at the computer screen, knowing full well that my expletives won't help the situation. What this means is that while the things I write may be entertaining (at least I think and hope so) the layout of my blog is rather simple, and one could say boring. But I can honestly say, that until I sit down and figure it out how to make it more pretty and such things, or until someone offers to do it for me (I'll give you a shiny penny, a "friends don't let friends vote republican" button, and a Werther's Original, that may or may not be really old) this will just have to do. You will just have to content yourselves, dear readers with my sparkling and irreverent words of wit and wisdom.

So, slowly but surely, I am embracing technology. When I think about it, I know for a fact that I would be lost without all the things I use on a daily basis (and I also know that my hair, while mostly a disaster, would be even more of a disaster). Also, I really like electricity. If we didn't have it, we'd all be fucked. Except for the Amish. They'd survive just fine.


P.S. This is my friend Josh, riding a Narwhal created by above mentioned photoshop genius...

1 comment:

  1. Wow great read.... you have a way with words and that's magic... but some of your choice of words betray it's more than technology and your computer and curling iron you're angry at. Heh girl... settle it out.. yes life can be a burn... you could use a session with the Amish!