Thursday, 8 September 2011

Have I Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew?

I love the fall. It's probably one of my favorite times of year for several reasons. The first of which is because it is not summer. Summer usually sees my personal life going up in flames. This summer, it was tears and a severely shattered, broken heart, added to a supreme sense of confusion, slight feelings of anger and hurt, and generally feeling unsettled, hopeless, and joyless. The last half of the summer saw me seriously wavering in faith and trust. But, I digress with my slight tale of woe (that is a story for another day, preferably a day when I can hold it together and not cry at the drop of a hat). Mostly I love the fall because of the feelings I associate it with it. More often than not, it sees my flame engulfed personal life, die out to smoldering embers (except in this case, it's like a raging wildfire that just won't go out, and I have no clue how to make it, or if and when it ever will, no matter how hard I try...I think I just have to be okay with it for now). I love the fall because of the way the air smells and feels, how there is a crispness that you can almost taste. I love how the leaves change from healthy green, to riotous reds, golden yellows and lovely oranges. Complain as I might about living in Edmonton, in the fall, it's absolutely gorgeous. I love to go to the River Valley and hike, just reveling in the beauty of it all. I love that you can actually see with your own two eyes, or one if you're a pirate, the changing of the seasons. I also love fall because it signals the return of normalcy and structure to my life. I know where I am supposed to be, and when I am supposed to be there. My day planner is my life, and the fall sees every moment of my life mapped out in neat and tidy segments. This also means that I am kept very busy, and this fall I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Normally I wouldn't be bothered by the workload I have from school. Normally it would actually be quite easy for me to juggle, but this year seems different. This year, on top of full time studies, I work, and volunteer, and I am taking an LSAT prep course for the entire month of September. Basically, every single minute, of every single day from now until October 1 (the day I write the LSAT) is mapped out. I have even had to schedule when I am going to sleep. September has barely started and already I am exhausted. So, on top of my LSAT class, homework from said class, all my homework and readings from school, working, and volunteering I have no time. Normally I hit the ground running. Nothing is too daunting. If you know me, I am a tiny person with a big personality. Nothing gets me down, however, I am feeling ever so slightly pressured and I can feel the stress mounting...it's kind of sad because today was the first day of classes, and already I can feel the tension in my shoulders. Perhaps this is just me whining about all the work I have to do, and I most certainly am not looking for sympathy or validation of any kind. I am merely questioning if I have bitten off more than I can chew. I am questioning whether it is humanly possible for me to do all the things that I need to do, and have promised to do, without having a major breakdown (I usually have one breakdown a semester, where I am plagued with doubts about my intelligence and academic capabilities). I used to be able to do it all, without hesitation, running myself ragged for fear of disappointing other people, and then I got cancer. Getting sick was probably the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. From it I learned to say no. But here's the problem. I can't say no to myself. I have no problem now telling other people no, but when it comes to telling myself no, I have a really hard time. I am always convincing myself to read just one more chapter, or do one more logic game. How long can I keep it up. Perhaps it's just the day, but I kind of feel like I am treading water, and eventually I will have to decided to keep going, and keep my head above the water, or to just give up...

Sorry for the melancholy. Rest assured that my next post (maybe about first year university students) will have a significantly higher level of levity.

xoxo
Leah

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