October is kind of a big month for me. There are a lot of things that happen/happened that have really kind of defined me.
First and foremost, October is big because I have now accomplished one the biggest, scariest things I have ever had to face (and yes, it was scarier than cancer). I basically took all my self doubt and uncertainty and pushed it aside and wrote the LSAT. If you told me 2 years ago that I would have had a complete and utter existential crisis, and do a complete 180 from what I wanted my future to be, I would have laughed at you. But here I am, with my new-ish life plan, and I can now say I have written the LSAT. And to be perfectly honest, it really wasn't that bad. There was one point, where I got stuck on a logical reasoning question, where I began to panic, where I began tearing myself down, telling myself that I wasn't smart enough, but then, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, picked myself up and moved on. I really think the LSAT is actually made out to be a lot worse than it actually is, kind of like 'it's bark is worse than it's bite' type deals. You could literally feel the stress pouring off people this morning, each clutching their clear, ziploc bag holding the allowable items, like it was a life raft and they were on a sinking ship. There is really nothing more I can do now but wait until my score comes in. If I didn't get what I wanted, then I'll rewrite and it's no big deal, and if I did, then I will be the first person to congratulate myself, by probably buying myself something expensive. But honestly, I am celebrating my small victory tonight. I am celebrating by laying on my bed, watching reruns of Project Runway, and shopping for books online. It doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's exactly what I need
Second, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I will say this, sometimes I get a little cranky with Breast Cancer Awareness month, mostly because I feel like it's just a constant reminder of what happened to me. I don't need to be reminded. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded. My scars will be with me forever, and that is reminder enough. But while I get cranky, I can't lose sight of what Breast Cancer Awareness month means for other people. It's for people who have been affected by breast cancer in any way, and I see it as a way of giving back. I am huge advocate of raising breast awareness. It's why I love the work that I do with the Alberta Cancer Foundation so much. I love that my story helps to raise awareness, and when I think about that, all my crankiness fades away, because at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's about everyone. Also, who doesn't love boobs? This is a month entirely dedicated to boobs. That's kind of awesome.
Lastly, October is big because it is the month when my life changed. I was diagnosed on October 28th, 2009, and this year I will be celebrating my 2 year Cancerversary. People give me funny looks when I say this. They don't understand why I want to celebrate the day I was diagnosed with cancer. And, yes while I don't like to be constantly reminded, I do feel like I need, no HAVE, to remember this day. This is the day that I chose to live. This is the day that I chose to survive, and be a better person, and to try and make a difference in the world. I celebrate this day like I celebrate my birthday, because I kind of see it like a second birthday. Not in that I get presents or anything, although, I do enjoy a good cupcake and I never say no to presents, but because it signals another year that I get to be a better person. I have decided that this year, I have to do something completely fabulous and badass, but I just don't know what. I am stumped. Last year, I had the best celebration, with someone who holds a special place in my heart. This year won't even come close to topping it, but I don't want it to. I want every year that I celebrate to be special in it's own right. I need to come up with something spectacular, and maybe a little out of character. It's a good thing the LSAT is done because now I can focus on what it is I want to do.
Also, let me just say this. I am excited for it to be October because maybe now my life will be less crappy? Maybe just maybe?