Friday, 4 November 2011

When Homemade Goes Horribly Wrong

So, because I like to procrastinate, instead of finishing up most of my law school applications, which are due like now, I decided to peruse Regretsy. I have been a fan of the site for quite some time and it has made me realize the EXACT demographic Esty caters to. Hipsters. In order to further confirm my theory, I then decided to look at Etsy, a website which I will freely admit to visiting every now and again, but have never bought from, because while I find some things to be quite lovely, most of it is I find to be quite contrived and made of trash. Literal trash. It's the stuff that you would find in a garage sale that people are throwing out because it's useless, that a Hipster would then pick up and decide to be ironic with. But back to my original point. Etsy caters to the EXACT SAME people that wear SpiritHoods (HATRED courses through me when I think of those incredibly stupid, sorry excuses for hats/hoods/headwear and the assholes that insist on wearing them! I judge and I judge hard, and then when I am done judging I seriously contemplate violence with golf clubs). Seriously, if you look at half of the descriptions for crap on Etsy, it's all for these hippy dippy trippy, earth loving, politically correct, no shaving, braless idiots (sorry, but saggy boobs are really unattractive...luckily for me, I will never have to worry about that), who say things like "I love not really knowing what I am going to make until it happens; it's much more organic that way", type products that have absolutely no value whatsoever.

Like really, someone wants to charge $2,500 for a quilted pink car cover. I will say that it has one thing going for it and that is that it was created in conjunction for breast cancer awareness, but I don't see any place that says that the proceeds will go to a charity benefiting breast cancer research. What is mind boggling for me is that someone actually said to themselves, "You know what I think this world needs? A pink, patchwork quilted smart car cover! It will have velcro closures and everything! That is a great idea, and probably won't be a complete and utter waste of my time and energy at all!". First of all, smart cars aren't real cars. Why don't you go out and be a grown up and buy a real person car. I hear Honda makes a nice compact that actually has trunk space! A smart car is a fake car. It's like the hillbilly, backwater, inbred cousin of cars that no one likes to talk about. The only time driving a smart car is acceptable is if you have gone to clown college, then you and all your clown friends can do your homework on how to pack as many of you into as small a space as possible, or if you live somewhere like London, or Paris, but even then, drive a Fiat for goodness sake! Second, why the hell would anyone in their right mind think that there is a market for such a product?! I am going to go out on a limb here and say that some smart car owners still have a shred of self respect and dignity left, and that they aren't going to further humiliate themselves by buying a pink, patchwork quilted smart car cover. But let's not forget those velcro closures! I'm sorry, you've already wasted what is probably a substantial amount of time planning, and then making a pattern, and then getting the fabric and then assembling the damn thing, that you can't be bothered to put a zipper in?! Like really! What's an extra couple of minutes added on to an already colossal waste of time and resources!? Might as well go big or go home?! Velcro! What is this, a pair of shoes for a child?! Does it also light up and make noises?! I have a suggestion for you. Instead of being a complete and utter idiot and making things that no one is going to buy and/or ever need or want, why don't you give up the dream and go back to your real job. Seriously, there are so many douchey things on Etsy it's moved from the realm of funny, to the realm of annoying and sad, as it has made me lose a little bit more faith in humanity. This gives a whole new meaning to "where DIY meets WFT".

There is nothing about most of the products on Etsy that is even remotely endearing, mostly because they are just asking begging screaming to be made fun of. Lucky for many of the sellers on Etsy, who insist in making such a monstrosities, often out of trash, there are assholes in this world, like myself, who will be more than happy to make sure you know just how stupid they think you are for making this, and maybe make you regret your decision just a little bit.


(Photo and quote (Laura Mazurek) from Etsy)


  1. Um wow...Anger much? ;)

    I have to agree with you on this one. Etsy people are quite the interesting breed.
    I have to question them sometimes because some of the crap they come up with is way beyond me.

    Sadly I think the Smartcar cover is pretty cool. Kinda pretentious, but cool nonetheless.

  2. Sparks,

    What can I say?! I am sure that I will be bringing all this up in with my future therapist ;)