Friday, 16 December 2011

My Continued War On Technology: Damn You Auto-Correct

I have awesome friends, and by awesome I mean sometimes I picture myself doing violence with golf clubs to them. Before I get to my explanation of why I sometimes picture myself doing this, let me tell you all a little story. It goes something like this:

We all know that I have issues with technology. I am not a fan seeing as how most of the time I have no idea how anything works, or why it does what it does. I use Apple products because they are basically idiot proof. This is why I was so stoked to change from my Blackberry to an iPhone, as it just does everything for me. Now, there are certain parts about technology that I do like, or at least have a love-hate relationship with. One of them just so happens to be auto-correct. I love auto-correct because it spells things right when I am texting way too quickly and missing letters, but I hate it when it corrects words that I know for an absolute fact to be right, and to actually exist, example, sumptuary. It's a word. I start to hate it when it does things that I don't want it to. Case in point: recently, the auto-correct on my phone started changing "love" to "fuck". Interesting, I know. I don't even know how this would happen, considering neither words contains similar letters, nor are the letters on the keyboard anywhere near each other. I mean, I do tend to swear...a lot, so it did cross my mind that perhaps I had sworn one too many times. It is an auto-correct nightmare. I didn't even realize that it was happening until I went to text my dad (yes, I text my dad) "I love you" and it changed to "I fuck you". That would have been an interesting one to explain. It was driving me crazy! I had no idea why or how it happened, and it got to the point where I actually considered throwing my phone against my office wall. Then I realized that I could just call the Apple Store and they could tell me how to fix it. So here I was, sitting at my disaster of a desk at work, talking to the guy at Apple:

Me: Hi, I have a question about auto-correct on iPhone, would you be able to help me?

Guy: You bet. What's the issue?

Me: My auto-correct changes "love" to "fuck"

Guy: ... (silence. I could actually picture crickets chirping)

Me: Hello?

Guy: Um, I'm still here. Why is it doing that?

Me: I don't know, that's why I'm calling you.

Guy: Well sometimes when letters are similar auto-correct changes the words

(I am not simple, I had already figured that one out. Thanks Einstein)

Me: Ya, I know, but what I don't understand is why it would start doing this. The letters aren't similar at all. Also, I do swear a lot, but not so much to make my auto-correct think I mean "fuck" when I say love.

Guy: Um, well, have you created any keyboard shortcuts?

Me: I don't know what that is, so probably not.

He then proceeded to walk me through getting to the keyboard shortcuts, step by step, while I assured him that I hadn't set any such short cuts. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that I did in fact have a shortcut that changed "love" to "fuck", making me look like a giant asshole for not knowing that I had one. The guy was really polite, and really nice, and seemed really uncomfortable by the conversation, which I of course thought was awesome. So to make an already long story less long, I managed to fix it. But then I started pondering why and how it changed and then I had an epiphany.

Flash back to last Saturday. Remember that Christmas party I went too? Most of my favourite people were there, and a good time was had by all. I remembered sitting at the table beside my good friend Jeff, and he wanted to see the games on my phone. Like an idiot, I punched in the password to unlock the keyboard and let him see. I then got up and left the table, for what was probably 2 seconds, and came back to find my phone sitting nicely on the table. I thought nothing of it until today. He changed it. Jeff was the one who made that shortcut and made me feel like an idiot all week. It's a good thing he's my friend, or I would have actually hit him with a golf club. It's also a good thing that I find it mostly amusing to actually be mad about this, and really, it's my fault for leaving him with my phone without adult supervision.

So kids, the moral(s) of the story:

1) Don't leave your phone unattended with a group of people who think changing things around is a genius idea.

2) Make sure you don't have a keyboard shortcut before you make an ass of yourself to the Apple people.

3) Always double check your text messages before sending them.


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