Thursday, 5 January 2012

Baked Lentil Chips: Not Savory or Delicious. Are You Surprised?

This post contains quite a substantial bit of skinny white girl first world problem whining. Please forgive me.

My family is pretty healthy. We exercise regularly, eat good food and try to make healthy, good life choices. That's always how it's been. I always joke that I live with the cast of the jersey shore because of how much time my mum, dad and sister spend at the gym. I personally hate the gym. I hate the sweaty equipment, I hate the juice monkys who would rather stare at their rippling biceps while forgetting about their shrinking balls, I hate the weird Zumba people. I just don't like it. The only time I really step foot in a gym is when I go to Millennium place for soccer practice. That's it. But the whole gym thing is really a segue to my main point. A result of this whole healthy life style, and because I had cancer that one time, my family has become obsessed with nutrition.

I don't need to be told that being conscious of what you put into your body is important, but my family takes it to the extreme. Instead of having normal things, our pantry is filled with protein shakes and bars. Our fridge is stocked with fresh fruit and vegetables. This is all well and good, until you get a craving for something that is probably not very good for you, like candy or chips. We don't have candy or chips in our house. My mum's version of candy are dried apricots. Sure, they are a delicious healthy snack, but when you're PMSing and have a mad craving for twizzlers and chocolate, it's enough to make you homicidal. Remember when you were a kid and you got fruit snacks in your lunch, like a Fruit-by-the-Foot or Gushers? I even know of some people who still buy them. But not in my house. Oh no. We get fruit to go. Great. More dried fruit. Just what I wanted. More fiber...and it's not even covered in chocolate. Have you ever had a craving for chips? Like some delicious Old Dutch Salt n' Vinegar chips? Or BBQ? I get those cravings all the time. But in order to satisfy these cravings, I have to eat them in secret. Why you ask? Because all we have for salty savory delicious chips in our house are Baked Lentil Chips. Not only are they not satisfying in any way, shape or form, but they also have the same taste and consistency of cardboard, or at least what I imagine cardboard to taste like. They are neither tasty or delicious and they leave you with a really bad taste in your mouth. Also, I am very suspicious of a chip bag that offers a "Great, Original Hummus Recipe" on the back. Last time I checked, lentils were not my go to snack. Again, I realize I am whining about expensive, gluten free, organic white girl, first world food, but seriously, am I asking to much here? Can't we just eat real food like normal people? Can we take a break from the Quinoa salads and crap? Have you ever smelled cooking quinoa? It smells like sadness and death in a pot, and kind of looks like throw up.

I know that there are several solutions to this problem that I have, but most of them would leave me feeling guilty. Eating this healthy organic crap has been ingrained in my mind, so now, I can't even enjoy junk food when I eat it. I know I could just cook things for myself, but that would require me to learn to cook, and I don't think anyone wants to see that. I could also just buy my own crap and hide it away, but I think that might lead to a hoarding problem. I watch TLC. Hiding food is just a hop, skip and a jump away from cockroaches and the department of health and safety condemning your house.

Long story short, baked lentil chips are gross. I have now saved everyone from wasting their money on them. You're welcome.



  1. Oh no! I had been meaning to try these, and you are teling me they are gross. Guess I saved myself a few bucks.
    I am a celiac, so unhealthy chips are not an option for me. They have wheat, you know. There are a ton of great tasting, healthier chips out there. I prefer Tias. Stay away from nut chips. They are...ass-y.

  2. Nellie,

    That's too bad about the celiac. I would die without carbs. Literally. But also, I mean it. DON'T buy the baked lentil chips. So gross. No amount of hummus or other tasty spread would make them taste better. If I come across any good gluten free snacky-chipy type foods, I'll let you know!