Saturday, 19 May 2012

As Per My Increased Rage, I Can See You're A Dumb-ass

Always assume this

You know what one of my favourite things in the world is? And by favourite I mean actually drives me up the wall? People who don't answer your questions. Why is that so difficult? Is it because literacy rates are declining at an alarming rate? Is is sheer laziness? General apathy? Here's the deal; I am going to tell you how to make me really upset, so you can all avoid doing this, thereby saving yourselves from pain and woe and having to read my rants about my continued loss of faith in humanity. Here's the scenario:

I email/call you/a business with an inquiry about a product or a service, or a feature that I have seen on your website. I give you a day or two to get back to me before I start with the ever so annoying follow up phone calls and emails, because I think "hey, maybe they're busy so it's totally understandable that they haven't gotten back to me". An inordinate amount of time passes, in which I have sent at least 2 follow up emails with the same questions as before, and I have called you at least 3 times, which means that you get to hear the dulcet tones of my growing impatience and annoyance on your answering machine. Then, you finally deign to respond to my original inquiry without so much as an apology for making me wait/excuse as to why you fail as a human being. But, and herein lies the rub, in your response to all of my carefully asked and well thought out questions, you send me a picture. A FREAKING PICTURE THAT ANSWERS NONE OF MY QUESTIONS. In my mind I am questioning how you have managed to do this. Can't you read? Do you not see my itemized and bulleted list of questions? Are you blind? Are you Amish and don't really have much access to technology? At this point, I have come to the conclusion that you are a giant idiot, and my patience has worn out. This now means that I have to actually speak to you on the phone because you were too dumb to figure out how to answer questions via email. I get you on the phone, where you then proceed to refer to said picture you sent me, expecting me to just magically know the exact dimensions and options of whatever I am asking you about, using phrases like "as per the photograph I sent you, you can see..." You know what I can see? I can see that you are a giant, lazy ass douche canoe, and I am so done with this conversation. At this point, I become uber polite, and my voice raises at least 2 octaves, and becomes super saccharine. We then end the conversation, and I tell all my coworkers/friends/the entire internet that you're a complete and utter moron. The end.

So, if you ever get yourself into a similar situation, take a moment and reflect. Answering questions isn't that hard. It literally takes 30 seconds, and if you don't know the answer, send a quick note saying so and that you will look into it and get back to me in a reasonable amount of time. You will save yourself a lot of pain, woe, and public shaming.

Until next time...



  1. I have pretty much written off customer service. I feel your pain. :P

  2. I experience something like this on a weekly basis. I go shopping and purchase prepared foods that I am uncertain are gluten-free. My fault. I understand. I e-mail the companies that make this products. No response. I telephone them and leave a message. Still nothing. Prepared food has expired. At some point, I get through to them. They can't answer my question. They have no clue what's in the product. I tell them off.