Sunday, 5 August 2012

In Which My Mouth Once Again Got the Better of Me

Something happened to me a few nights ago that hasn't happened in a really really long time. I got kicked out of my soccer game. Red carded and told to leave the field. I was livid. Now I am normally the smallest person on the field, so I get pushed around a lot, but I usually hold my own. I can give it as good as I get it. I can also be pretty mouthy when I want to be, but the thing with soccer is that you can get kicked out for excessive language, so you have to be careful, which is why I learned to swear in other languages. However, sometimes I forget and my mouth gets the better of me, as is the case with my game on Thursday. But I still maintain that I was in the right. Here's what went down:

We were playing this team called the Cougars for the second time. The first time we played them they were a real treat. When teams aren't overly skilled they usually resort to excessive force and violence. Not to mention that they were mouthier than I am on a good day. Now there was this one girl who took the cake. Psychotic is a mild term to describe her. She's about 3 inches taller than me and about a million and twelve times more violent. She would trip and push and be overly aggressive when the ball was no where near her. She also really liked to utter threats of bodily harm and violence. My favourite line of hers from that first game was one she told my coach, something along the lines of "I'm going to slit your throat". Ya, a real gem. Not to mention she has this absolutely ridiculous and laughable tattoo that says "Fancy" up her arm. She is anything but fancy. So you can imagine my sheer delight (read displeasure) at the thought of having to play them again. The first 35 minutes of the first half went well. We were up 2-0 and it was looking like we'd be up by 3 before the half was over, and I was having a pretty solid game. So this crazy chick gets the ball and I'm defending and instead of using skill to get around me, she uses her fist. In my face. My response: "watch your fucking fists. This is soccer, we don't use our hands". She was less than impressed by this judging by her eloquent response. I left it alone, I just wanted to play the game. So I'm running back to get goal side of her, and we jostle each other. It happens. However, she lost her shit. She freaked and shouted "is that how you want to play bitch?!" and then proceeded to grab me around the waist, pick me up off the ground like some WWE wrestler with a steroid problem, and slam me to the ground. I was shocked, and angry. What made me angrier was after the ref blew the whistle, she threw up her hands and had the audacity to plead her innocence. I lost it right then and there with an emphatic "You've got to be fucking kidding me?!" Apparently swearing is worse than slamming someone into the ground and being a violent douche canoe because I got kicked out for my little outburst. I was so angry over this that I was shaking. And because of my red card, I had to leave the field. I snatched up my things, and marched away, yelling at The Boy "Get your things, we're leaving!". I'm sure that was a really great first game for him to watch.

Now normally when you get red carded, at least with club soccer, there's a disciplinary hearing and you miss the next game. But I think the ref realized what a psychopath she was and gave me a pass. He basically "forgot" about my red card by the end of the game. So, even though he was a hapless idiot who was too fat to even call offsides, he still gets a thumbs up from me. Plus, it's probably for the best that I got ejected because if one of us hadn't a lot worse would have happened...she'd probably be in jail for aggravated assault.

So the moral of the story boys and girls is a) be a good sport and save your meth rages for a time off the soccer field b) never get the gaint word "Fancy" tattooed on your arm because you look like an idiot and people will forever make fun of your stupidity c) always remember how to swear in other languages so when you do have an outburst you don't get kicked out of your game...this is also because it's easier than just trying not to swear.

Until next time lovelies.


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