Thursday, 10 October 2013

I Did An Adult Thing

Hi Friends!

So, I know it's been a while. Life has been busy. I've been trying to get my shit together and figure out my life which is easier said than done. But I did make a kind of adult decision. Well it was an adult decision that is kind of a big deal. It's something that I have been thinking about for a long time. It's also kind of a serious thing, so if you came here for funny and lack of a filter, this might not be the best post for you to read. So what's this big decision you ask? Well, I haven't really told many people yet. Just the really important ones know. You know, the ones that if they were ever bitten by zombies, you would shoot them in the head before they turned because you love them so much (I've been watching The Walking Dead like it's going out of style). Those ones know. But very few other people do. I know a bunch of people might be mad that I choose to tell people in this way, but you have to understand that it's just easier for me this way, and it means that things are less awkward for you.

I've always been, and have actually made it kind of my mission to be as transparent, up front and in your face as can be with that whole one time I had cancer. Breast cancer isn't pretty and pink and a pair of mittens or a t-shirt you buy in the month of October, because some corporate entity decided that this particular cancer needed it's own month, as if it doesn't already take some much from so many people. Breast cancer is not a business. It's a real thing. It takes and takes and takes, and you can never get away from it. Even when you're done, you're never really done. There are always the appointments, the mammograms, the MRIs and the worry. The worry that one day, at one of these appointments your going to not get the two thumbs you. Instead you're going to get furrowed brows, hushed tones, and the words "tests" and "biopsy" are thrown around a lot. I never want to feel that feeling, or have that happen to me ever again, even though it's a lot more likely than I care to admit. I'll admit it. I have a gene. It's called BRCA2, and it's a sonofabitch. Basically, this means that my chances of getting stupid cancer again increase by a bunch. It's not really a matter of if I get it again, it's just a matter of when. Like a fucking ticking time bomb, that has no wires and no way to diffuse it. Well there is a way, which brings me to my adult thing. I have decided to have my other breast removed. A prophylactic mastectomy.

This isn't because of Angelina Jolie, or anything else. It's because it's been weighing heavy on my mind for the past almost 4 years. When I first got sick, and had genetic testing, my geneticist highly recommended that I get it removed right away. She was quite insistent actually. But at 23, I was completely ill equipped and totally unable to deal with it. I was bombarded by information and had more than enough hang-ups about this new part of me, or lack there of, to think about it. At 23, I cared more about how I would look, how it would make me feel and how other people would feel. I couldn't see past that. When people would bring it up, and by people I mean mostly my family and doctors, I would brush them off and tell them that I was waiting until I had a family, and then take care of it. But I've been thinking. What happens if I keep putting it off. Maybe I have a family. What if I get sick again, and what if it doesn't go that well for me this time. I could lose more than just a breast. And that really scares me. So, I've been thinking, and thinking, and I'm at a point in my life, I guess you could call it a crossroads, where I'm not sure where life will take me. What I do know is that I want to be around long enough to enjoy what ever direction that life decides to take me.

So I made this adult decision. Kind of funny if you think about it. The girl who is chronically fighting adulthood makes an adult, kind of life changing decision. All I can say is that I am just as surprised as you are. But in my surprise, I am strangely happy and really calm about my decision. I always thought that making this decision would be hard, but it really wasn't. I would like to say that I had a moment of clarity when I realized that I want to do, but I didn't. It just kind of happened. A natural, organic, logical process that I have finally decided to act on.

So ya, that's that. That my adult thing that I did. Sorry this is kind of serious shit.

Later days my doves!

xoxo
Leah

2 comments:

  1. Hi Leah... wow... quite the decision.. and I understand why you are making it. Tough.. to be adult.. yes.. but it's our decision, and some day you'll be glad you did it I'm thinking. You are in my heart always:-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Always in my heart too, my darling daughter. I'm really really proud of your path.

    ReplyDelete