Thursday, 24 January 2013

Thanks for the Christmas Present. Sorry You Got Elbowed in the Head by Dusty Rhodes

My Gentleman is pretty swell. Ew affection. It's gross I know. But it's true. He puts up with all my bullshit and the fact that I am most definitely not the grown up in our relationship, and he buys pretty awesome presents. I am of course referring to that time he bought me tickets to The Tragically Hip for Christmas because he knows that they are one of my all time favourite bands in the history of ever. He even came with me to said concert, even though he's not that big of a fan. His musical leanings are more towards to British hipster variety, like The XX (which is basically hipster make out music and every song sounds the same), Richard Hawley, The Arctic Monkey's and a whole slew of other bands and artists that I have never heard of. So he really took one for the team when he came with me to The Hip concert last night. And I give him mad props for what he endured just so I could listen to all of my most favourite songs.

Concerts are always interesting, and one of the best places to people watch, which leads to one of my favourite activities: judging people. I basically got a million shows for the price of one. What I mean is, that the people around us made it just so...memorable? First, there was the redneck family sitting behind us, who decided to bring what I can only assume were their freshly legal children. The son complained the entire time that he hated drinking beer because it's gross, and that the line ups for the other liquors were just too damn long. Then you had the parents who couldn't go for 2 hours without what had to be 5 cigarettes. To top it all off, the father complained loudly for the majority of the concert that "this was the worst concert ever!" and that they "needed to play the classics". I'm sorry sir, but you are a moron. They played almost all of their hit songs, with only a handful from their new album. It was their loss at the end of the night as they left at the beginning of Blow at High Dough, and they missed the enitre encore which included both Courage and Little Bones.  While listening to the rednecks was entertaining enough, then there was the woman beside me who was shocked and horrified that they sounded different from their studio produced albums. I too remember my first concert, where I came to the same horrifying realization. It was a sad moment that will haunt me forever. I'm sorry, but if you're too dumb to realize that of course a band is going to take some creative liberties with their live shows, and not play a cookie cutter version of their album, then you shouldn't be there. She was entertaining because every time a new song would start and Gord Downie would start singing, she would sigh and slap her forhead and just be so disappointed. It was hilarious.

I have of course saved the best for last. The man that my lovely Gentleman had to put up with all night. This guy was not a small man by any stretch of the imagination, and was probably in his 50's or 60's. He first stood out because he was dressed in a Canadian Tuxedo (if you don't know what that is go here) and an Edmonton Oilers hat. I bet you're thinking, so what? He was just a guy trying to enjoy some music in a comfortable outfit made entirely of denim. And you'd be 100% correct. What made this man even more memorable were his dance moves and the fact that he was an exact replica of Dusty Rhodes. The only way I can describe it is to ask you all to imagine a walrus having a seizure. There was also headbanging. I won't lie, there were points of the evening where I thought that this guy needed medical attention. Of course the Boy thought this was hilarious. So funny in fact that there were parts of the evening were I had to stop singing along because I was beside myself with the giggles because I saw him laughing. Then, I believe it was at the end of Eldorado, that this Dusty Rhodes doppleganger realized that his pants were slipping precariously off his ass, and decided to pull them up in the most violent fashion I have ever seen. Again, so what? Well, not even 20 seconds before the Boy turned to me and said he was probably going to get elbowed in the head. And that's exactly what happend. In his attempt to prevent a serious case of plumbers crack,  he full out elbowed my Gentleman in the head. I feel kind of bad because I laughed. This probably makes me a bad girlfriend. I just couldn't help myself. Even funnier was that the guy was like "oh sorry man" and continued to pull up his pants in the same violent way.

All in all it was a really good night. Thanks for the Christmas present. Sorry you got elbowed in the head by Dusty Rhodes.

Until next time lovlies.


Sunday, 20 January 2013

Oh Hello Hockey...No One Cares

Pretty sure that this post will get a whole bunch of hate. But I don't care. I need to say it. You know how hockey is back? No one actually cares. At least I don't. Seriously, this whole lock out thing was basically billionaires fighting with millionaires over money that could have been used to, oh I don't know, feed a third world nation for a year. Seriously, fighting over a $65 million dollar salary cap? Give me a fucking break. The fact that people are actually willing to pay these losers that much money is beyond me. If you think about it, most hockey players offer nothing of value to society, beyond being able to appeal to neanderthals everywhere with the ability to hit one another, while wearing skates. They aren't doctors who are trying to find a cure for cancer or heart disease. The doctors should be the ones to make that much money, not giant goons who can't form a proper, grammatically correct sentence.

I sit and think that perhaps I could like hockey. But then I remember that a good chunk of professional hockey players are a bunch of greedy, self entitled whiners, who have been told that their shit doesn't smell for the majority of their life.

Sorry hockey fans, but I can't wait until this silly little season is over.


Monday, 7 January 2013

Maybe Today is the Day I Get Booked for Aggravated Assault

Do you want to know what kind of day it is? It's a "might get arrested for aggravated assault with golf clubs" kind of day. Honestly! Let's use our critical thinking skills people and problem solve! God gave you a brain with the ability to figure shit out, so use it! He also gave you eyes so you can read those emails I sent before emailing me 5 million times asking me something that I answered in said emails. Those eyes are also really great at looking at things properly to avoid me wanting to punch in you in face from your stupid questions. As you can probably tell, I have very little patience for idiots, and today was filled with idiots who need to have their hands held.

Anyway, I'm sure you all know what kind of mood I'm in now. How do you think I'm choosing to combat this sudden onslaught of extra bitchiness? I'm re-watching Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time. I loved the books as a kid and having recently seen The Hobbit on a date night with my daddy, I decided that it was high time to watch the movies again. And now I remember what frustrates me about these movies. No it's not things Peter Jackson omitted, or took liberties with. It's the simple fact that Frodo Baggins is the most annoying little fucker I have ever watched on screen. I'm not even kidding. Please tell I'm not alone here. He's even annoying in the books. I remember that I would always read through the parts with Sam and Frodo as fast as I could, and with as little annoyance as I could, to get to the meatier and quite frankly, more entertaining parts. The same is goes for the movies. I just sit there and hope that the little Sam and Frodo moments don't last forever, and make me consider violence. I mean how many times does Frodo almost fuck it up for everyone?! How many times does he put that stupid ring on even though he knows its a bad idea, and even though some super powerful magical wizard says not to. I mean, he lacks common sense and is such a useless, helpless little asshole, who can't do anything for himself. If Sam had been smarter he would have just said "see you later loser" and go back to gardening. Again, I have very little patience for idiots, and in my books, Frodo Baggins is a Class A idiot. Also, the Steward of Gondor is an asshole. Just saying. Perhaps these aren't the best movies to be watching when particularly irritated.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you all with something  awesome before I actually end up putting my foot in my mouth and enrage the Nerds, Geeks, and Dorks of the world. Please don't be hating! I am also a nerd etc.

Remember Walk Off the Earth, that awesome band I shared with you all a few weeks back. Well they did it again. Like their incredibly cool cover of Somebody I Used to Know, they have now covered Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble. It's simply awesome, so enjoy.

Later days lovlies!